I have spent 62 days without you Bethany. Bring on day 63.
I don’t know how many more I can go. I miss everything about you, you were my support, my guide and my friend. I feel lost without you. I feel hopeless without you.
I know I’ve done things you wouldn’t been so happy about. I know haven’t handled everything the best that I probably could. For that I am completely sorry and quite ashamed. I wish I could be stronger for you, but some nights I just can’t. I hope you can forgive me for my failures.
With all of this loss, it just feels pointless. Life has no meaning. Why work for years in school for a paper that has no value? Why fret over money that won’t earn you anything? Why obsess over physical items that you can’t take with you? Life is meaningless without love, without someone there to make each day worth something.
The people I have had in my life that made each day worth waking for can be counted on less than one hand. None of them are left.
I am not as strong as people think I am, the truth is I feel weaker than ever. There are days I wake up only because I can not bare to close my eyes any longer, because my spirit has been broken for some time now. I am simply surviving because my body has not given up, though at times
I truly have given up.
I wear things that she gave me
I listen to songs we said were ours
I cut my hair the way she liked it
I eat her favorite foods
I watch movies we watched together
I retell jokes that made her laugh
I visit places we went together
I admire the sweet gifts she once gave me
I flip through our many pictures of smiles and kisses
I stroll through the park as we often would
I read cute loving messages we once sent each other
I remember dates that were special to us
I relive memories of her constantly
Is it because I am a glutton for pain?
It is because I still remember.
They are special to me.
And my memories are all I have left.
I see your name from time to time,
In un-remembered notes and messages
Found in un-remembered places.
A pair of pants gone unworn for so long,
A drawer gone un-opened for years.
I can’t help but look for your face
Through the crowded room I search
Will you be here, I know not
but hopelessly I return to my search
I fear someday I won’t remember what I’m looking for
Those beautiful eyes
That captivating smile.
And there it is.
I see it once again
And this cold grip clenches my heart again.
It’s a sensation that will never fade.
I miss you.
It has been one month exactly since I stood and watched in the doorway as my baby sister slipped through my fingers. It’s hard to ever measure how much a single person influences your daily life, until their not there to do so anymore. There are the tiniest of things that remind me of her every day; a song we would badly sing as we drove, a line from a movie or TV show that we would quote to one another, a funny picture on tumblr we would share with one another, a joke I know she would laugh at, a secret I wouldn’t want to tell anyone else. I miss her every moment of the day. I wish it was a dream, a bad and elaborate april fools joke; that my phone would ring and it’d be her saying “Got ya”. But that is not going to happen. Instead I will continue to live each day and move forward trying to be the best person I can be and I will remember her forever. I love you BB.