I have spent 62 days without you Bethany. Bring on day 63.
I don’t know how many more I can go. I miss everything about you, you were my support, my guide and my friend. I feel lost without you. I feel hopeless without you.
I know I’ve done things you wouldn’t been so happy about. I know haven’t handled everything the best that I probably could. For that I am completely sorry and quite ashamed. I wish I could be stronger for you, but some nights I just can’t. I hope you can forgive me for my failures.
With all of this loss, it just feels pointless. Life has no meaning. Why work for years in school for a paper that has no value? Why fret over money that won’t earn you anything? Why obsess over physical items that you can’t take with you? Life is meaningless without love, without someone there to make each day worth something.
The people I have had in my life that made each day worth waking for can be counted on less than one hand. None of them are left.
I am not as strong as people think I am, the truth is I feel weaker than ever. There are days I wake up only because I can not bare to close my eyes any longer, because my spirit has been broken for some time now. I am simply surviving because my body has not given up, though at times
Today was supposed to be a good day. It was supposed to be a day of celebration. Today was my younger sisters last day in the hospital and her last plasmasentysis. She was so happy to finally get out of that hospital room that had trapped her for the last eight days. It was a happy time.
It was only a few hours after I left her at home seeing her smile when I get a call from my mother telling me they were rushing her back to the hospital. Some time after dinner she fainted and went unconscious, my mother couldn’t wake her and had to call an ambulance who was able to get her to the hospital and wake her.
After a few x-rays and ct scans we discovered that she had pneumonia. Now she lays in a hospital bed while her lungs fight against her body. This young girl who has suffered for the last eight days trapped in a tiny room with disease all around her is forced again to fight for her life.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified. I’ve seen this before. Only two years ago it was my father fighting his own lungs for air. I really can’t bare thinking that she might fallow down that same path.
Right now. Nothing else matters. There’s no school project, no blog post, no day at work, no single thing in this fucked up world that means one bit as much as she does.
I can’t really figure out what it is, but today is not a good day. I’m just tired; tired of dealing with people, tired of dealing with life, tired of smiling just so no one will ask how I am, tired of trying, I am just so tired of myself. Really, why even bother anymore? Now this all could just be a single bad day and I’ll be fine tomorrow, could be these thoughts that never leave my mind, could be some dumb memory that keeps replaying in my head; or perhaps it’s because I am terrified and no one else knows why. Either way, I sit here and wait under my lonely raincloud and ponder away.
It’s amazing how easily one thought, one little idea can consume your mind. No matter how you try to escape it or where you try to hide from it. It’s always there eating away at your sanity.
My name is Christian Bergh, I live in las vegas and love the arts. My nickname is IceBergh. I try and keep my creativity as active as possible. Follow me if you like my work.
As a personal project I have created this idea that I hope can grow into all areas of creativity and help me grow as a person. Each month of the year I will be focusing on a creative endevor to utilize each day. I welcome suggestions of all kinds to be incorperated into my work for the day. Any idea, thought, phrase, or simple word; please submit it and I will try to encorperate it. I am always welcoming the imput of my followers, so please dont hesitate to ask any questions or submit something of your own to be included in the trace.
