Drunk Driver.

Shouldn’t go
But I must

One too many
Is five too few

I overindulge
And underestimate

The bottom of a bottle
Taken from the top shelf

Got the answer
But forgot the question

Take another shot
To forget another miss

I leave
Because you didn’t stay

Flying down the highway
Laying the pedal to the floor

The world spins
The wheels stop

Legs stumble
The floor is stable

Think I’ll stay here tonight.

‎*Mom hands me phone to answer*

  • Me: Hello?
  • Telemarketer: Hello, is your mother home?
  • Me: I have no mother.
  • Her: Well can I speak to your father?
  • Me: Yeah, which one?
  • Her: Which one is home?
  • Me: Well they're both home..but I don't think you want to talk to Carlos. He just went through a breakup with his boyfriend, Antonio.
  • Her: Oh, so your fathers' names are Carlos and Antonio?
  • Me: No, no! My fathers' names are Carlos and Mark.
  • Her: So who's Antonio?
  • Me: I just told you, Carlos's ex.
  • Her: So Carlos was cheating?
  • Me: Yes, but that's only because Mark was cheating with Edith, our neighbor.
  • Her: So Carlos cheated only because Mark cheated?
  • Me: No, he THOUGHT Mark was cheating.
  • Her: So Mark wasn't cheating?
  • Me: I never said that.
  • Her: Yes, yes you did!
  • Me: No I didn't.
  • Her: Y-yes! You did!
  • Me: Did what?
  • Her: Y-you- Never mind have a nice day, goodbye.



forever reblog

So there, bitches.

Sassy Colbert strikes again

(Source: drunkonstephen, via imjustacatdoincatstuff)

Tags: sass funny lol


8 Technology-Friendly Sex Positions [Click for more]

How’s your Internet hookup?

(via solipsistictendencies)




Want more stock photos, you say…

i promise you that the cashiers hate making those remarks, but if you don’t make them you get in trouble

(via reservoirsnobs)

Just friends, you choose
Best friends, you say
A lie, you know

Without a kiss
Without a touch
Without a glance
Without a romance
Nothing shall we ever be

A friendship will deteriorate
Crumbling into barely acquaintances
Passion is lost and can not be revived
without romance, we are doomed.

And that saddens me


this would have been so much better


this would have been so much better

(via writeinblack)



The Font Conference.

This video wasn’t long enough,

so we made it double-spaced.

(via reservoirsnobs)

A is for Action

Who cares what I say

when action is what matters

I say be inert




the best of tumblr confusion



(Source: skullspeare)

Don’t fret anyone, Captain Hammer will save us. 

(Source: notthatbadass, via freeopenyourmind)

I don’t have time
To come up with some stupid rhyme
To convey the feeling of our kiss that one-time
To describe the bond between us and that climb
To explain how this love is indivisible; prime.

Instead my time is consumed
By frustrations leaving one fumed.
By memories repeated, feeling doomed
By fear of unknown, while judgement loomed
By writing this all while your life resumed.

But it is my mistake, I assumed.
Assumed you could see what I feel all the time.



Sex in Video Games [Ω]

I love this way too god damn much. Best couple award.

(via findsomeoneelsetobotherkthx)


worth scrolling all the way up to reblog

Jesus is watching

(Source: carlsagan, via ireymon-deactivated20140415)